There are some fashion trends that my I just can’t deal with. Anything cropped. Anything too body-con but made in cheap material. Anything that involves long, tube-like skirts that sit tightly around the middle. Culottes (age me by eighty years), stilettos (always try to kill me), cold-shoulder tops (make me keenly feel the mutton/lamb scenario), high-necked blouses (make me look like a Victorian matron).
The latest trend to not suit me is the bias-cut skirt. The way it’s cut (bias, clue is in the name) means that it just clings in all of the wrong places. Namely my stomach. It also clings to my buttocks, but only the top part of them, making my arse look like a constantly-shimmying, attention-grabbing shelf.

Now if I sit down in the skirt and position my legs in a certain way so that 80% of my body is concealed (and, weirdly, as though all of my limbs have been taken off and reattached the wrong way around, see above), it looks great. Really chic and feminine. The problem comes when I have to do anything other than sit in a contrived position – if I have to walk, for example, or stand up without throwing my shoulders forward. The bias cut skirt, when worn in any of these (fairly pedestrian, non-outré) scenarios, makes me look like a snake that’s eaten an egg.
It’s a skirt for the straight-up-straight-downs. It doesn’t seem to like curves. Or perhaps it just doesn’t like my curves. Wearing the bias cut skirt made me feel like I...