Is there a term for someone who is the very opposite of green-fingered" Who’s more Die-das touch than Midas" Whatever the term is for it, that’s me. I just seem to be very bad with houseplants – I’ve killed orchids, money trees, even cacti! (I really shouldn’t use an exclamation mark there because it makes me sound rather enthusiastic about my Dr Death horticultural tendencies. A bit proud of my efforts. I’m not.)

So I’m the last person who should be buying more houseplants, yet here I am with an ever-growing collection, mainly because I keep misjudging the size and quantity of the decorative pots I require for them. It started with an ad shoot (I needed to create a sort of indoor jungle in my bathroom and so bought seven very showy plants) and then I realised I needed nice pots for all of my new houseplants. And then I bought pots that were completely the wrong size but couldn’t be bothered to post them back (oh God, the shameful wait at the post office when you have to return another huge and awkward parcel that weighs more than a human) and so I needed yet more plants to make use of them. Repeat to fade.
The result of all of this is that I’m now in the ridiculous position of being the owner of a number of very expensive plants (including a five feet tall flowering – or was – Bird of Paradise) but absolutely, one hundred percent inept at keeping any of them happy. I mean I’ve tried ̵...